I'm Not a Hater, But...

Okay. Let me start this off by making one thing perfectly clear: I AM NOT A HATER! People use that term quite loosely these days. Anybody that isn't in love with what someone else does=HATER.

Note the following "hater" scenarios:
#1

Friend: Hey, D. I just spent $200 dollars on these vintage canvas Chuck Taylor Converse sneakers. Whatcha think?

Me: Two-hundred dollars? They look like regular twenty dollar Converses to me.

Friend: Aww, man. You're just a hater!

#2

Cousin: Yo, did you see that new Jackie Chan and Jet Li movie? I loved it; it was great!

Me: Naa, I like movies with more dialogue and storyline, and I can't understand a word either one of those dudes are saying.

Cousin: What? Man, why you hatin' on Jackie and Jet? I bet they'll kick your ass!

Me: You're right. And I'm sure I can beat them in a debate.

#3

Friend: Yo, see shorty over there?

Me: Yeah, that's Sheila.

Friend: I hit that last night!

Me: Word? You might wanna go get yourself checked out; the word is that she might be infected.

Friend: Man, you probably tried to talk to her. Stop being a hater!

Just because you don't like something doesn't make you a hater. Am I an onion-hater or a mayo-hater? I just don't like them. Actually, I do hate onions. But I digress.

I said all that to say this: Who the hell made Steve Harvey a relationship guru?

Please, someone tell me how he has risen to the level of expert on all things love-related? I read his first book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Okay, I read the first chapter, the table of contents, and a few other paragraphs. But that was enough to get the gist. I wasn't incredibly impressed. It's not like some of what he said doesn't make sense; that's just it, it makes a lot of sense: common sense. I guess people just have a need to hear things they already know. Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't rush to buy a book that told me a bunch of reasons why I shouldn't walk into oncoming traffic.

But his book became a best-seller and he became an authority on love. Women started taking the words from his book as the GOSPEL TRUTH. You would have thought that God was sitting at a small table in Barnes and Noble drinking lattes and signing copies of HIS (or HER) book.

Now, Steve admits that he is not an expert on love, but that he is an expert on men. Therefore, in his book, he speaks for ALL men and gives women the decoded version of what mean think about relationships, love, etc. So, naturally, because he speaks for ALL men and women want to know what ALL men feel, they read what he has to say. Especially since it's usually difficult to get it from the man they are actually dealing with.

But, hold up! In my dealings with women, I often tend to generalize according to my past relationships with women, including the women in my family. But when I do, I always get, "Mmmph...I am not every other woman! I am my own person. I have my own unique genetic code. Check my deoxyribonucleic acid!"

So, if I can't generalize, and sometimes my generalized comments are dead on, how can Steve Harvey generalize and you swear that it applies directly to me? Hmmmm. Check my DNA!

You know what? Maybe I am hating. Maybe Steve Harvey's position as one of the kings of comedy makes him an authority on things like this. I heard Cedric the Entertainer was writing a diet book, and D.L. Hughley was writing a book about how much he loves white people, especially white Republicans. And I'm sure there will be a posthumous release of a book on public speaking by the late, great Bernie Mac.

After the success of his first book, Harvey has a new book, Straight, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man. And I'm sure that a comedian with several marriages and divorces under his belt is the perfect person to help women with this.

I could put my feminist hat on and say that these books are just another example of the misogynistic, ultra-male perspective being showered down on women telling them how and who to be. But I won't go there.

But I will say this, these books tell women how to act and think in order to get a man. The women I know would cringe at the thought of a man telling them how to act or think, but every man doesn't host a morning radio show.

I think I should I write a relationship book. After all, I'm a man and I know some other men. Plus, I've dated women and I've known some other women. What else do I need?

My book would actually only be a relationship haiku:

You must know yourself.

If not, find yourself.

Always love yourself.

Common sense, right?

If you don't think so, I won't call you a hater.