Darius D.

This blog is a reflection of me, forever growing and evolving. So, only expect one thing when you visit, TRUTH. Unless I post a short story, then it wouldn't quite be true, now would it?



Thursday, June 16, 2011

A Letter To Lebron

Dear LeBron Raymone "The Chosen One" " King" James,

It has been a year since you donned that purple plaid shirt and sat across from Jim Gray to announce to the world where you were taking your talents. All the world outside of South Florida scorned you for it. There were tears and fires ablaze in the streets of Cleveland. There was a letter from Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert that seemed more like a drunken e-mail from a bitter girlfriend. You became despised.


A few weeks have passed since you and your teammates, with your abundance of talents, gave the NBA championship to the Dallas Mavericks. All the world outside of South Beach rejoiced. You became a punchline to fill ESPN airtime and for late night talk shows. TANGENT ALERT!

What happened to late night talk shows? Jimmy Fallon? Are you serious? Well, at least he has The Roots as his house band. And what's that British guy's name? What happened to the likes of Johnny Carson, David Letterman, Jay Leno? Hell, what happened to Arsenio Hall?




Okay, really, what happened to Arsenio? Did he just die after Coming to America?

(Attempt at a tie-in) In Coming to America, Prince Akeem had to come to terms with who he was and what he wanted. He could no longer allow the wishes of his family or those who admired him to determine his future...just like you, LeBron.


So, if you have time on whatever remote island you're on, take a few minutes to read this friendly letter.


Let me start this by saying: I'm here to help. And the first act of my assistance is to say in public what you've probably said in private to all those around the world who prayed and prayed for your downfall and rejoiced at your every air ball, errant pass, and offensive foul: FUCK 'EM!


This phrase, one I use liberally and with no reservation, is the perfect response to all those lonely souls in Cleveland who cried after you left them feeling like the "black girl". You know, the black girl that many black women refer to when talking about professional/successful black men. The black girl that is "there for him when he was struggling, but as soon as he makes it he drops her and goes for the brighter (lighter) option." Kanye referenced her in Gold-digger. But that oh so beautiful phrase isn't reserved for the heartbroken Ohioans. You can use it to address every Monday morning point guard calling sports radio shows, commenting on stories on ESPN, or at Scottie Pippen for allowing his personal feelings of inadequacy to inappropriately state that you might be better than Jordan, in turn, exponentially increasing the pressure you were obviously feeling.

After you've dropped the F-bomb one good time (all you need is one good time; any more than two would be uncivilized), you should do what all professional athletes do in the summer; go some where and have plenty of unattached, but safe sex. I think you need a release. Because in a few of those fourth quarters, you played like a fifteen year-old who just got his first French kiss and feel-up. It was like you were scared to move because you didn't want the world to see the little bundle in your over-sized basketball shorts. You might want to visit King of Diamonds. Nothing cures ills like "making it rain and pouring champagne" on somebody's daughters.



When you come back from Vegas or Punta Cana or Rio, then it's time to work. Next season has to be your season. You have to make a comeback. A real comeback. Not a Michael Jordan comeback. Not a Muhammad Ali comeback. You have to make a comeback like Jason. Jason Voorhees, that is. You know, of Friday The 13th fame. You need to kill EVERYONE, metaphorically speaking of course. You need to treat every team, every opponent like a group of horny campers that know about you but figure that they you are simply a myth and it's okay to desecrate your name.

And when you come back, you need to get some new friends. Your boys obviously didn't have your best interest at heart when they said, "Yeah, dawg, it would be a brilliant idea to go on national television to break the hearts of everyone that has put you on a pedestal since you were seven or eight." Someone should have said, "It's cool as hell that you can get the whole sports world to stop and watch you say where you're going to play next year, but that shit might not be a good look in the end."


Once you get rid of those dudes, then just SHUT THE HELL UP! Don't talk about what happened during the playoffs. Don't talk about how financially distraught all of us are compared to you. Don't talk about cloning yourself or about how you're gonna win twenty championships before you retire. Just play ball.

And if you happen to take my "KILL EVERYONE" comment literally, just move to Orlando, change your last name to Anthony, and claim you were molested.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Movie Critic in Me





In the span of a week, I saw five movies. I don't mean sitting at home flipping through the channels seeing what Showtime or AMC had to offer. I mean over-priced popcorn and six-dollar sodas. I mean uncomfortable seats and idiots who can't keep their feet off the back of them. I saw five movies at the theatre.


"How" you may ask, "does anyone, in this economy, spend twenty bucks a movie on five movies in less than a week?"


I didn't. I did what has been affectionately termed "movie-hopping" or "a sneak-a-peek". Some may call it stealing. But is it really stealing. What about the little old lady who picks up a bunch of grapes in the grocery store and eats half of them before she reaches the register? Is she stealing? What about the mom who takes twenty napkins during the latest visit to the local fast food restaurant or coffee shop just so she can keep them in her glove compartment or console for emergencies? Is she a thief?


So, if I happen to pay for a movie and see three or four others in the process, does that make me a thief? I think not. When I was younger, I was a thief. My friends and I used to steal whatever we could: t-shirts, boxing gloves, portable televisions. I once got shot at for stealing mangoes from a neighbor's tree.




Okay, on to the movies I saw. First, I'll rank them.


1. X-Men: First Class

2. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

3: Kung-Fu Panda 2

4a: The Hangover Part II

4b: Bridesmaids


This is the part that I'm supposed to post a SPOILER ALERT. But I shall not. Why? No real reason. Just read on!


I'd heard that the new X-Men movie might rival the Dark Knight as the best superhero movie of all time. I was naturally skeptical, but I was highly impressed. While it didn't have the iconic acting performance of Heath Ledger's Joker, it was amazing in its own right. Smart, action-packed, thought-provoking, educational, and slightly romantic, X-Men: First Class is great even for those not too fond of comic book take-offs. Unfortunately, there is an instance of "the black man dies first" syndrome in the movie, but I let that slide. It still was a great movie.


When watching any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies you pretty much know what to expect. Sword fights, sea creatures, witty Jack Sparrow one-liners enveloped in nearly indecipherable accents. But I'm into all that, so it was good to me.


Kung-Fu Panda 2 was a pleasant surprise. While I'm into animated films, Finding Nemo is one of my all-time favorite movies, I didn't think Panda was going to be that good, but it was. Maybe it was just me, but it was highly inspirational. I walked away from that movie with a renewed spirit even though it was my third movie in one day. Po the Panda had to discover the truth of his past in order to find inner peace. Once he found that inner peace, he was able to conquer all. Don't we all need a little inner peace? Amen.


The other two movies tied for the two failures of the week. In fact, they were two of the worst movies I've seen in a while. I had absolutely no expectations of Bridesmaids. In fact, I should have only seen four movies; I was coerced into seeing this one. There is no sensible reason any heterosexual man should see this movie. The movie was kind of like taking the entire Lifetime Channel, every episode of Bridezillas and any other wedding-themed show, and any moment in life that requires an absence of testicles for someone to sit through it. If you like those shows about cakes, wedding dresses, and obnoxious women trying to squeeze into dresses because they ate too much cake, then this is the movie for you. But in the words of In Living Color's Men on Film...hated it!


The Hangover Part II was horrible for an entirely other reason. It was the same as the first. I know the old adage, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And I understand the mind of the producer who knows that there's a bundle of cash waiting if they use the same formula for success. But come on. You gotta do better. Give me something different. And by different, I don't mean take me to Thailand instead of Vegas. I don't mean have a pathetic Mike Tyson singing the finale'. (Side note: It is almost heartbreaking to see Mike Tyson today. He's like a former professional wrestler trying to collect a few more checks by wrestling at strip mall openings and baby showers. I know he ate a man's ear and all, but this is low.) And I don't mean show more penises, including "female" stripper penis. Yeah, there were some laughs on my part. But I was perplexed by the audience's raucous guffaws. It was like I was watching an old episode of Different Strokes with the automatic laugh track in place. Because that shit was not that funny.


So, out of the 5 movies I saw, one was a prequel, three others were sequels, and one was vomitted on to the screen by a Lifetime/Oxygen conglomerate. 1 was absolutely amazing, 1 was as expected, 1 was better than expected, and 1 was highly disappointing, and then there was, and the last was fodder for some divorced women Meet Up.


My conclusion is that with the bullshit they offer, the movie theatres and production companies are the thieves. So, the next time you go to the movies, be sure to get your money's worth. But you might wanna stop at three; it can be a little exhausting.