But a funny thing happened on the way to the end of the blog. I went to the grocery store. While I was in the produce section, I had an encounter with a random older gentleman. As I was examining bananas, he started talking to me. He began opining about the poor quality of bananas and how they tasted differently than bananas in other countries, especially in the Caribbean. His conversation was innocent enough; truth be told, I blocked out about 78 percent of what he was saying. But he found a way to gain my attention.
He touched me!
As he got deeper and deeper into his banana versus plantain dissertation, he started touching me. First, it was my elbow: a simple gesture seemingly intended to reel me into the conversation. Then, it escalated. Somehow, in some swift move resembling a teenage guy yawning and stretching to place his arm behind his "unsuspecting" date, he quickly moved his hand to my shoulder as he smiled and blabbered on about nothing at all.
Now, I'm a considerably friendly guy. I'm not the one to meet total strangers and greet them with a full-on embrace. (My boy, Marlin, might disagree.) But I'm at least cordial. But I've realized that I have a "thing" about touching. Each time this stranger touched me, my skin crawled. My natural reaction was to move my arm, as to suggest, "Dude, get your hand off of me!" But that didn't work. He felt entirely comfortable violating my personal space. So, eventually, I had to make it more obvious.
He had taken his hand off for a second, but then attempted to give it what he assumed was its rightful place. As he reached for my upper arm, it was like a scene from a movie. His hand moved in slow motion as I simultaneously leaned back and put my hands up in a position similar to one I'd learned in Tae Kwon Do class.
"Yo, I can hear you without you touching me," I stated. His face dropped and luckily, so did his hand.
"Oh," was all he said before he walked away.
He seemed so enthusiastic about the fruit conversation, but he dropped it all simply because I asked him not to touch me. Why was the touching so important?
Maybe he was trying to "kino escalate".
If you don't know, kino escalation is the art of initiating physical touch: starting with with small, innocent gestures, and steadily moving into more intimate situations.
Think:
- a guy meets a girl in the club and starts talking to her.
- as they are talking, he touches her elbow during the conversation.
- as she seems more comfortable, he eases into touching the back of her arm or her shoulder.
- and if things go as planned, he's kino escalated himself into whatever his horny little heart desires.
Well, that's all according to this guy:
His name is Mystery, and apparently he's an expert in the art of picking up women. So, was old dude in the grocery store trying to pick me up? I don't know. I was looking kinda cool that day. Maybe it was more innocent than that.
We touch people every single day. When we meet strangers, what's the first thing we do? Shake hands. Now, we have no idea what that person was doing with those hands before we saw them. Think about what you do with your hands when no one is looking. Now, would you want to someone who was just doing what you just thought about? I think not.
But touching is such a natural part of our society. In certain cultures, men greet each other with kisses on the cheeks and sometimes lips. In other cultures, individuality and independence is more highly regarded, and personal space is placed at a premium.
A touch can mean so much, yet so many different things. The gentle touch of a mother's hand across the forehead or cheek of her child is entirely different than the sensual touch of a lover massaging work-weary muscles. A simple hand on the shoulder of a friend during a moment of sorrow can go as far as a father's swift hand of correction placed on the backside of a misguided child.
It's hard for me to imagine a life devoid of another's touch. No more of my niece's kisses to the cheek or slaps to the cheek that get increasingly harder. No more embracing my grandmother as if she was my child. No more of the...ummm..."touches" that the adult me has come to greatly appreciate.
However, I can go without the waiter touching my shoulder as he places the bill on the table. I don't need the dude in the gym to shake my hand, "dap" me up, fist bump me, or give me a half-hug every time he sees me. The minister in church slapping "the claw" on my forehead as he prays for me seems a little unnecessary. And those strangers who want to reach out and put their hands in my hair...back the hell up!
Maybe my feeling towards touching is some metaphor for my fear of intimacy. Maybe me not wanting people touching me is code for me not wanting anyone to get cclose to me, emotionally. Or, maybe I just don't people's filthy hands on me.
Somehow, though, touching each other seems to be justified. I guess touching is our link to humanity. When we touch or are touched, we know we're alive. It gives us a connectivity that our other senses can't. Maybe one day I'll let down my guard and allow people into that invisible space that I hold dear. But until then, unless I know you and invite you, then take this as a friendly request.
3 comments:
I'm a bit of a germaphobe (as you know), so I completely feel you on the unnecessary touching. But, when I think about how I am with people and making them feel at ease or that emotional connection, I can't say that I put my phobia on the back burner, however, I do rearrange my focus. I don't want their hands touching my skin (unless necessary), I don't want to touch their palms (because I don't know where their hands have been), and I don't want their skin touching my face, or...any part of my skin.
All of this is weird because I have been accused of being "touchy feely" with strangers (males in particular; wonder who accuses me of that), but I only touch shoulders or elbows or other parts that (in my mind) have less opportunity to acquire germs.
Touching seems to be that human element that lets others know you are a real, feeling, caring person. It could just be my nurturing side that makes me feel this way, but, I have also been accused of being a weirdo.
When it comes to family, you love the emotional connection and that is why you cannot get enough of your Baby's kisses and slaps and your grandmother's childlike embraces. It's the rest of the world that you have problems with. I feel you only want that emotional connection on your own terms, and people not touching you leaves you in control of that. We will talk about that later...
eeeeew, the touching. I always run into people who touch or talk to close. I once had a person walk up to me and my girl at a bar while we were eating to look at my food ( don't look at my food). She wanted to know what it was but pointed and nearly touched my shrimp!!! I freaked out!!
I have noticed that the strangers who touch me are elders. Its weird and Im not very friendly. My mothers makes it seem like Im such a snob and piece of work but I believe that we can have a very effective convo without us touching one another. I'm a teacher, its my first yr student teaching and I preach to the 7th graders to keep their crusty mitts to themselves. there is no need to invade a persons personal space... I feel you
I like touching....my family, my friends, strangers, myself... It let's me feel the other person, gives our encounter a deeper connection. I hug everyone in my household multiple times each day, I greet my friends with hugs and kisses, pat (or hug) my coworkers and students daily. I've even hugged and shaken hands with multiple homeless folks. I figured that if all the stuff I got into in the past didn't kill me, neither will their germs :-))))
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